Official Documents Mysteriously Missing from Miami Courthouse
The head of security for the federal courthouse acknowledged that he and his team have “no leads whatsoever” as to who took the documents.
5:34 P.M.
Mar-a-Lago Dinner Guests Wondered Why Menus Contained Missile Sites
“It was the last thing I needed, especially after climbing over all of those boxes to get to my table,” an irritated patron said.
June 12, 2023
D.O.J. Has Been Weaponized Against Me, Says El Chapo
The former narco kingpin called his prosecution and incarceration “the greatest witch hunt in the history of witch hunts.”
June 9, 2023
Pence Flees in Terror After No One but One Woman Shows Up at Rally
“All the color drained from his face,” a campaign aide said. “Mike was even whiter than usual.”
June 8, 2023
Pence Endorsed by National Association of Ass-Kissers
“During his four years as Vice-President, Mike Pence brought flattery and obsequiousness to new heights,” the N.A.A. statement read.
June 7, 2023
Skeptics Question Whether Pence Has More to Offer Than Raw Sexual Magnetism
For years, he has wisely refused to dine alone with any woman other than his wife, fearing the havoc that his overpowering pheromones could wreak.
June 5, 2023
Americans Struggle to Remember Who Chris Christie Is Again
“I could be wrong, but I vaguely remember that he was maybe this guy lying down on a beach?” a resident of Phoenix said.
May 31, 2023
Twitter Investigation Reveals Keyboard Was Clogged with Chocolate Pudding
“We’re not sure how, but chocolate pudding seems to have seeped into one of the keyboards,” an insider on the matter said. “It’s really gross.”
May 25, 2023
DeSantis Hopes to Seem Like Normal Person by Appearing Next to Elon Musk
According to an aide, the campaign considered a shortlist of other foils, including Mickey Rourke, Dennis Rodman, and Ginni Thomas.
May 24, 2023
DeSantis Caught Sneaking Into Matinée of “Little Mermaid”
“Don’t do it, Ariel!” Florida’s governor was heard bellowing in the back row.
May 22, 2023